PROVIDENCE — Boy meets girl, they fall in love. He pops the question, she says “yes.”
Now it's time to start working on the wedding preparation checklist: notify the parish priest, pick a date, call caterers, try on wedding gowns and tuxedos and be sure to assign everyone to the perfect table.
Forgetting something? What about life with your spouse after the big day? Will you have a joint checking account? Are you planning to have children? And how will you handle holidays with your in-laws?
Before being married in the Catholic Church, every couple must attend marriage preparation classes that will help to address many of these important questions.
The Diocese of Providence offers classes throughout the year, usually on weekends and evenings, for couples planning to marry. The classes, which are offered in both English and Spanish, are conducted either on several nights or a night and weekend day. They are taught by married couples, diocesan priests and the staff of the diocesan Office for Marriage Preparation.
Marriage preparation classes consider engagements as more than just a planning period for the wedding ceremony and reception. The instruction covers the subjects couples should talk about before embarking on everything that will follow the honeymoon – the 'till death do us part' life together.
John Fulton, along with his wife Anna and several other couples, ran a marriage preparation class at Sts. Rose and Clement parish in Warwick in late September. They have been involved with the marriage preparation program for six years.
"The theory is the more you know about one another early, before you get married, the better," said Fulton.
To him, the marriage preparation class is less about providing answers and more about getting conversations started. He and the other volunteers try to “provide couples with an opportunity to interact with one another in a way that they wouldn't be able to otherwise,” he said. In a series of talks that are paired with exercises for individuals and couples, and through group discussions, the classes address topics such as conflict resolution, personalities, families, finances, spirituality and sexuality.
“The issues here are extremely practical ones,” said Fulton, “Some of these issues are very substantial and require a lifelong conversation,” he added.
In the section on finances, one that is often cited by couples as being especially helpful and enlightening, a married couple discusses everything from writing wills to creating a budget. Each individual is given the opportunity to list their assets, including income, savings, real estate — and liabilities, such as loans, credit card debt, taxes — to share with their significant other. The workbook used during the classes, “Perspectives on Marriage,” urges couples to “be as honest as you can. This is no time for hiding the ‘bad news.’”
In this same section, another activity asks everyone to rate a list of material possessions and financial assets, from Cable TV to retirement savings, on a scale ranging from “necessary” to “extra luxury,” and to compare the list with their spouse-to-be.
This section of the class goes into so much detail because, Fulton says, “finances tend to always be tension-causing.”
Another section of the marriage preparation class, dealing with sexuality, intimacy and natural family planning, is also extensive.
At the class facilitated by the Fultons, the section began with a talk by Father Edward J. Wilson, pastor of Sts. Rose and Clement Church. He talked about the Catholic Church’s position on sex, from discouraging cohabitation before marriage to encouraging openness. “I do this big piece on sex only because it’s so confusing,” he said. Father Wilson continued by advising couples to be true to each other and to the church’s teachings on sex. Sex is often a major cause or factor in disagreements between married couples he told the spouses-to-be. “You’re going to argue most openly about money, but you’re going to argue secretly about sex,” he said. “The divorce rate is what it is today, 50 percent, because (marriage) has become about taking,” he added.
To Father Wilson, marital success depends on taking to heart the teachings of the church, “It all comes back to the church,” he said.
Barbara and Bill Melone then took the podium. They conducted a longer discussion on sexuality and natural family planning that relied heavily on their personal experiences in marriage. They spoke about their initial decision to use the birth control pill early in their marriage, a decision they later came to regret. They advocated natural family planning, a method that involves both husband and wife keeping track of the wife’s natural signs of fertility as a means to plan pregnancies. “Every part of this involves openness to life,” said Barbara Melone. “It’s a way of living, a way of relating," added her husband. The method they explained to the young couples has kept them closer to each other than a birth control pill or other barrier method could, they said. "Couples that practice natural family planning have a more frequent and more enjoyable sex life," said Bill Melone.
After these and each of the other talks on various topics, the couples break into small groups for further discussion. Although the conversations are about important issues, the groups generally keep the mood light. “There's a lot of laughter,” said Fulton, the dialogue is “as heavy as people want them to get,” he added.
Making the transition from single to married life is about much more than a ceremony and a new ring. Fulton and the other married couples who teach marriage preparation believe that communication is the key to success. “Couples who communicate have better relationships, couples with better relationships have better marriages,” said Fulton.
“We don't want people not to talk about the most critical things in a marriage," he added, which is why the program delves into many difficult topics meant to spark conversations.
“Most people who come are willing to open up, willing to get involved,” he said.
Before heading out to another session about the stresses of wedding planning, he added, “this works.”
Classes fill up quickly and the Office for Marriage Preparation advises couples to register for a class immediately after setting a wedding date with their parish priest, so they can participate in a class six to eight months before the wedding.
